Entry 038

I should’ve been giving birth right around this time. My sixth baby was due tomorrow. There’s a quiet, aching grief in the fact that this sweet baby boy very well could’ve been the last baby I was ever pregnant with.

I imagined that pregnancy would be different. I finally felt like I could trust my body after spending months healing from the damage done by an autoimmune disease. But my body failed us again. 

I thought that pregnancy would be the one where I could announce we were expecting instead of our baby’s death, finally see myself with a baby bump after years of trying to get that far, and feel my baby move for the very first time.

That pregnancy was supposed to be the one—the one that gave us hope, healing, and a baby in our arms. But instead, it lead to another loss and to us being told we should consider the use of a gestational carrier. 

Hearing those words come out of our doctor’s mouth wasn’t something I was prepared for. I didn’t even really know what it meant. But I could tell from the somberness of her voice that it was something that would break my heart.

She recommended our next baby be carried by another woman.

We were faced with the decision of continuing to naturally conceive knowing of the unexplainable but almost certain loss that would come, remain parents to only our angels, or surrender our idea of how our successful pregnancy would look and let our baby grow with someone else for nine months. 

We decided to move forward in a way we had never imagined. But we also never expected to be in this place. I thought having babies would be easy, but here we are with six angels and another due date approaching with empty arms.

I was upset for a long time. I was upset with my body for not doing what it was made to do as a woman. I was upset about all of the things I would never get to experience. I was upset at myself for not fully appreciating every single moment of my last pregnancy for what it was: my last. 

We are hopeful we’ll have a baby on earth some day with the help of an incredibly selfless woman who wants to nurture him or her and bring them into the world for us. 

As for me, I will carry our next baby in our heart until we are together, just as I carry the six who came before.

Emily Lindquist