Entry 036

My fifth baby should be one today. This is about her life.

It was a Tuesday morning that I saw the two pink lines that meant we were pregnant again. Like most other times, I kept the news from my husband until I could confirm with a blood test. The last thing I wanted was to get both of our hopes up with a false positive. I went to work and waited for the doctor’s office to open. I called and they ordered a test. It confirmed our fifth baby existed.

For every single day of the month of February, our baby grew. It’s always a milestone when we reach an entire month’s worth of life. We watched her heart beat strong on the screen and felt such relief—knowing our baby was okay. Little did we know, that strong heartbeat would stop that week.

My husband and I didn’t go on any trips or do anything of note during her life. If fact, I don’t have a single picture in my camera roll from then. But her life was perfect spending the cold winter evening cozy with us at home being snuggled up on the couch, watching good shows, and dreaming of what our little one would look like when we held her in our arms for the first time in the fall.

Maybe it was because we had two girls and two boys in Heaven already or maybe because I always believe each pregnancy will be the one to end with a living baby, but I was sure this sweet girl would come home with us in October last year. I was sure we’d be celebrating her first birthday today.

Emily Lindquist