Entry 031

My fourth baby would be one today. This post is about him and his life.

It was a Monday we learned we were expecting him. My husband and I were at home, bound to the couch, fighting off coronavirus. By that time, we were acutely aware of our difficulties staying pregnant and seeing two pink lines on a COVID test and a pregnancy test within a few days of each other was terrifying. 

But this baby was tough. When I had an ultrasound just a couple weeks later, his heart was beating strong and everything was great. Since he survived an illness that caused a global pandemic, I thought he would surely be the baby we’d get to keep earth-side. 

A few days after we saw our little boy and his strong heartbeat on the monitor, he and I left for a long-weekend trip to Nashville with my mom and sister. I ate good food, listened to good music and saw the city for the first time with him. I had fun with him. But I was afraid. With every long walk in the heat without enough water and each bump on the plane rides, I prayed that wouldn’t be the moment his heart stopped.

Even though I had an ultrasound just days before, I scheduled another for a day or two after we got home because I needed to see that he was okay. And he was. His heart was beating strong and he’d grown more than expected since we’d seen him last! I was so happy to know he experienced the trip with his grandma, auntie and me.

As the weeks went by, the fear and anxiety my husband and I had about losing him drifted away. We were finally starting to think about what life would look like with our little boy without fearing it would jinx us. We even scheduled a photoshoot for sharing his existence with the world. We were excited and happy and couldn’t wait to start the second trimester for the first time with him.

Of our children, we had the most time with him and we experienced the most things with him. We just wish creating memories with him didn’t have to come to an end.

Emily Lindquist