Entry 016
Knowing how to respond when a person tells you they lost their baby before it came into the world is hard. Death in general can be a difficult thing to comfort and when the death happened to a life you may not have even known about, it can be equally heartbreaking and uncomfortable. Before I was on the receiving end, I didn’t know—nor had I ever even thought about—what I would say. Now that the wrong things have been said to me time and time again, I can tell you what you should avoid saying to a person who miscarried.
But let me first say that if over the next few minutes you find yourself reading words you’ve said to a loss parent, this isn’t to shame you. It’s to give you the bereaved’s perspective of your words and why some things will mean more than others.
Naturally, your first thought after being told someone was pregnant and isn’t anymore is probably to say something along the lines of, “Let me know if you need anything.” Almost everyone’s is. The sentiment is appreciated and I’m sure most people who say that really would help with whatever is asked for. But after you lose a child, there’s no good way to respond to that statement. What a parent who just got the worst news of their life needs is to wake up from this nightmare. They need the ultrasound technician or doctor to have been wrong. They need a miracle and they need their baby to be alive. What they need, you can’t give them. Instead of offering anything they need, narrow it down for them. If you’re willing to bring them a meal or a coffee or their groceries, try asking, “What night this week can I drop off supper?” or “I’m leaving your favorite coffee on your porch. Hot or iced?” or “I’ll stop at Target after work. Want to place an order I can pick up for you?” If they have a living child at home, offer to take him or her for a few hours so mom and dad can have some time to grieve together. But just be sure to not overstay your welcome. And don’t push if they decline your offer.
When trying to comfort a woman who just lost her baby, there are very, very few times the use the words “only” or “just” or “at least” should be spoken. Do no tell her things like, “At least you were only __ weeks along,” or “At least you know you can get pregnant,” or “Just try again next month.” While you might think you’re reminded her it could be worse or giving her hope for the future, all she hears is you minimizing her loss and the life of her child.
Don’t tell a loss mom to just relax and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Don’t tell her that next time will be the one. You can’t promise those things and when speaking to a person who’s hope is likely gone, your simple statement that is just meant to cheer her up can hold more weight than anyone can guarantee. And if next time isn’t the one, then the hurt is even worse.
Please, please don’t ever tell a loss mom you know exactly how she feels. Even if you’ve lost a child too, you don’t know exactly what she’s feeling. You know pieces of it. You know more than most. But you don’t know how long she’s dreamt of being pregnant or how many nights she prayed for this baby or precisely how devastated she feels. The truth is that nobody knows exactly how a mother or father feels when their child—a piece of them who should be here for them to hold and teach and love—is gone.
Remind them it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. Sometimes, the bereaved think they need permission to feel the ugly things and until they feel them and hear from someone else that it’s okay, they may never work through the hard emotions.
Loss parents seem to hear the same platitudes on a loop. Instead of saying some cliché sentence you’ll later wonder if you should’ve kept to yourself, just make sure the mom or dad with empty arms knows you’re there for them. They don’t need to hear that their baby wouldn’t want them to be sad or that everything happens for a reason. They need you to acknowledge that the shit they’re going through is hard and it’s not fair. How you know you can’t take their pain away but that you’re there if they want to talk about their baby or cry together or sit in silence with someone. They need the comfort of you knowing their baby existed and that they aren’t expected to just get over it.
Sometimes, even if you say the right things, a loss parent might not respond to your message. They might not want you to show up with a to-go order or their laundry detergent. But know that your words and you thinking of them when they feel the world has gone on without them is truly appreciated. They just might not have the energy to express it.
After losing a baby, loss parents notice who shows up. We notice who checks in after the first couple weeks. And we remember. Even if you say the wrong thing a time or two, we remember you cared enough to try.
Emily Lindquist