Entry 015
Mama, I am just so sorry. I know how little people’s words help when you feel like your life is upside down. Please let me say to you the things I wish someone had said to me.
Know that during your sweet baby’s life, they were never alone, never cold and never scared. Your baby only knew the feeling of your pure love and the sound of your beating heart. Really, their life was perfect. No matter how short it was. You gave your baby the perfect life.
No matter what you’re feeling, whether it’s anger, guilt that there’s something you could have done differently, resentment towards others who don’t know what it’s like to suffer this loss, or whatever it may be, you are allowed to feel it. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve and feel whatever you need to along the way.
You are doing great right where you are. Do not feel like you must clean or cook or do laundry if you’re not up for it. If your routine feels different now that there isn’t a little one doing everything with you, that’s because it is. For however many weeks you carried your baby, you were together for every second. When you sang along to the radio in the car, you were singing to them. When you ate your favorite food, it nourished them too. When you laid in bed and thought of what your new life would be like, it was all for them. Now it’s not. And that’s simply not fair. Unless a person has lost a child of their own, they just don’t get how differently the same things feel now. So don’t do anything prioritizing other people’s wants or expectations over your own physical, mental or emotional needs.
If you choose to share about your baby, whether to just a few people or to many, know that well-meaning people are probably going to say some really dumb things. Maybe they’ll tell you that you’re young and can try again, that at least you know you can get pregnant, or that miscarriage is more common than you think. It sucks hearing those things when all you want is the baby you lost. Try to remember if they haven’t had a loss like this, they likely have no idea what to say.
Mama, I know. I know how misunderstood and alone you feel—Lord, do I know. It’s hard to see it and honestly, it might not make a difference but know that there is a community of loss parents by your side. We’ve been where you’re at and we’re with you for this long, agonizing journey.
You are strong. Stronger than you think you are. People aside from me will probably tell you the same thing and you won’t believe them. Because you don’t feel strong. You’re carrying on because it’s the only choice you have. But surviving after your baby was taken from you? That is strength.
As hopeless as you feel right now and as many plans and dreams feel so far out of reach, know things will get better. It’s not that time will make it easier, but you’ll learn to live your life with the pieces of your heart rearranged. A day will come when you’ll think about your baby and smile instead of cry. But don’t worry if your timeline isn’t the same as anyone else’s.
You are the only one who knows exactly what you’re going through and I pray you find comfort during this unfair and confusing time. You do not have to go through this alone. I am with you, mama.
Emily Lindquist