Entry 002

After the loss of our first baby, I didn’t know how to cope. There were so many things I wanted to tell my new angel. I tried saying these things out loud, but saying the words made them too real and speaking through the sobs just made my chest ache harder. So I started to write. These are my first words of loss.

Baby Lindquist,

It was a Monday; the day we learned we lost you. The day I became an angel’s mommy.

Your wings were ready before my heart was. Perhaps you were just too beautiful for earth. You didn’t stay long, but the weeks you were here, you changed my heart forever. 

You see, I didn’t just lose the orange seed-sized being you were in my belly. I lost the hours staring at you while you sleep deciding and if you look more like me or daddy. I lost the first time you’d smile at me when you recognized my voice and the way your skin would feel against mine. I lost the first time hearing you say “dada” and being jealous that “mama” wasn’t first. I lost Christmas mornings and birthdays, pulling your loose teeth and comforting you after bad dreams. I lost walking you in for your first day of school and watching you cross the stage at graduation. I lost getting you ready for your first date to wondering how it’s already your wedding day, and every single moment in between. I lost all the years of watching you grow and being in awe of everything you’d become. 

Sweet baby, I’m angry God took you from us. More angry than I can put into words. But I find peace in knowing that you were never alone, never cold, never hungry, and never scared inside my body. You knew nothing but comfort, love and the sound of my heart during your life on this earth.

Maybe it’ll be a Monday that you’ll bloom in Heaven with your great grandparents ready to show you the beauty of life up there. And I’ll be here looking for all the butterflies you’ll send and the flowers you’ll grow to remind your daddy and me that even though we can’t see you, you’re always with us.

I didn’t have you long my little love, but I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine. Until I can finally hold you in my arms, I’ll keep you safe in my heart and I’ll never forget you were my first baby.

I’ll love you and miss you with every breath for the rest of my life.

Forever,

Your Mommy

This letter to my first child was the start of countless written releases flooding the Notes app on my phone. Now, I share these words with the world.

Emily Lindquist