Entry 027

My fifth baby was due today. Our little girl should’ve been in our arms and healing our hearts today, but today is just like the others.

I’ve lived this day five times now. I woke up, spent the day at work, came home, had dinner, and mindlessly stared at the TV while little thoughts popped into my mind throughout it all reminding me what I should’ve been doing today instead. 

My husband and I have lived through five due dates, and even a few should’ve been first birthdays, with no baby. We’re used to days like this by now, but it never gets any easier.

For the first time in 27 months, I’ll wake up tomorrow not supposed to be pregnant. Because of the timing of my pregnancies, I should’ve been pregnant with at least one of my children every single day since July of 2021, until tomorrow. Since today, my final due date, happened, I can’t remind myself of how far along I should be or picture how my bump would look by now again. And just like when I lost my babies, a piece of me will be gone along with the time I should’ve been carrying them.